You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
when mom throws a party…
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
They did not think through this water fountain