You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults