You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?


If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”


This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.


Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.


Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends


Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+