You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.