@KlMBERLY_

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

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@GrowlyGrego

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

@Floatersfinest

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@iRowlf

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

@GuyThe_Guy

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

@Robski_Boy

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

@UrPalWilly

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

@crunchenhanced

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

@AaronMichael_

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+