you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
just left a huge legacy in there
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns