You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Got him!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
WTF IS THAT!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills