You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
こいつ天才
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
The smoothest fall of all time
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.