@Staggfilms What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
@squirrel74wkgn You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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@Staggfilms 
@TheTweetOfGod Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
@kibblesmith “How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
@deadstick_ron Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
@JDBooie “I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
@AnniemuMary Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
@IamJackBoot I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
@Donna_McCoy She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
@Chhapiness How to shape your eyebrows
A thread