“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
You Might Also Like
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.