You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
omg leave her alone
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there