You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“No way.” -Jose
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
OMG 🤣🤣
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no