you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.