You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them