You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT