“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*