You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
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I’m about to risk it all
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Same pineapple, same
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Miscakes
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Covid like
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.