You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.