You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
mumsnet is amazing
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.