@Pork_Chop_Hair I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
@StcyBnsn You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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@Pork_Chop_Hair 
@MoistPork If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
@Ideal_Victoria Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
@nekolot I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
@DaddyJew Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
@AlexvanBeek I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
@samalmightysam -Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
@Sy_Cornelius Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
@rainnwilson SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
@thatguysingh In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.