You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
You Might Also Like
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes