You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.


If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.


Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.


I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.


Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!


I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.


-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!


Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’


SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”


In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.