You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.