You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone.. - @

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

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