You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
i can’t wait that long
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*