@JohnLyonTweets Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
@JaymayAllDay You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
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@JohnLyonTweets 
@zachary_lampley Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
@UncleDuke1969 Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
@JohnLyonTweets My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
@KylePlantEmoji Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
@hipstermermaid Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
@ImNiceLikeRice Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
@HousewifeOfHell Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
@UnFitz Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
@Jason_maybe Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.