Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You Might Also Like
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.