You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.


My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.


Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?

Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped

Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then


Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.


Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.


Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.