You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol