You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
this has done me in for some reason
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.