You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
There’s never enough good news
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I wanna be friends with this person
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.