“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
You Might Also Like
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
sensitive skin
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Does your wife know you’re single?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.