You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.