You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
yeah 😭
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.