“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My kitchen overserved me.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
the icebreaker
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.