“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
relationship goals
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
yea so i messed up lol
Attacked by a mop.
The symmetry is uncanny.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.