“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.