You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
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My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
This has made my week.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.