You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
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Its a hippotatomus
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*bites zombie*
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”