You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
LOL
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
me after i passed that state trooper
