You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.