You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.