You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow