“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Saturday
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.