You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
the last thing a carrot sees
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus