@hyperblastchic

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@KyrieFaye

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@internetluke

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

@Heatinblack

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

@OllyiConic

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@ellewasamistake

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers