#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You Might Also Like
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Say it wasn’t you.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers