You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.