You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?