@deardilettante Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
@goldengateblond You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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@deardilettante 
@mompsychologist Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
@Brampersandon_ GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
@Talk_To_The_Hat I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
@heyjaywolff “Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
@Samzen_ Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
@autogynefiles On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
@Clanopath I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
@TheHatStore ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
@OllyiConic [physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?