@goldengateblond

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

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@deardilettante

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

@mompsychologist

Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”

6:*writing thank you card* But, um..

Me: Write it!

@Brampersandon_

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

@heyjaywolff

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@autogynefiles

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

@Clanopath

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

@TheHatStore

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

@OllyiConic

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?