You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
😂😂
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Lucky for them, they’re cute
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”