You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Phonetics
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me, flirting😏