you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Spa day..😅
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”