“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
spy hq: keep her in sight
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.