“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED