You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.