You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.