You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.