You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.


Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.


I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.