“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
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My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.