Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies