@JonAcuff
@BraandoCommando Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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@BraandoCommando 
@heatherjs Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
@percpoop aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
@Hormonella Twitter is the new flypaper.
@TheSpotter8 I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
@FillWerrell Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
@upsidedowntrash [first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
@SkinnieTalls My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
@GoneFishingYo In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
@OfficeofSteve Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies