You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
a public service announcement
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away