You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
S O O N
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*