@GloriaFallon123

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

@Quack_Daniel

People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@LostFelicia

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

@thatchaddaniels

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

@SirEviscerate

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@TheCatWhisprer

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@_ice_cream_j

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it