You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.


People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.


Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.


*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
*dog tackles me from behind*


When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.


Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it