You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Generation gap…
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming