You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with


One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.


11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.


“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).


Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.


Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.


Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.


To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???



CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]