Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@darksideang

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

@living_marble

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@TheTweetOfGod

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

@IamJackBoot

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

@AngryRaccoon2

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

@noog

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

@ElizaBayne

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

@AbrasiveGhost

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]