You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.